I AM

I was driving back to school after an amazing weekend at home. I already felt all mushy inside thanks to the beautiful time I got to spend with my niece and nephews, the movie time I had with my mom and the all too familiar conversation about my car with my dad. As I drove away from my childhood home I noticed the stunning sunset and thought, “How good is my God?”. As the last bit of sun fell behind the clouds and my perfect weekend came to a close, a song I’ve heard a million times, but never quite as deeply, played. “You are I am” by Mercy Me.

 The opening verse says: “I've been the one to shake with fear and wonder if You're even here. I've been the one to doubt Your love. I've told myself You're not enough.” How often do I feel this way? That my God cannot overcome the mess of this world! That surely, I am too much of a disaster to fix this time! How often do I doubt His goodness and gloriousness? How is it that I know a HUGE God, but I always try to squeeze Him into a tiny box?
The chorus continues: “You're the one who conquers giants. You're the one who calls out kings. You shut the mouths of lions. You tell the dead to breathe. You're the one who walks through fire. You take the orphan's hand. You are the one Messiah. You are I am!” I sat in my car stumped on this for the next 2 hours. You are I am. It sounds so simple, but it holds so much! You are the breath I breathe. You are the light in my darkest days. You are the comfort in my despair. You are my strength when I am weak. You are simply everything.
 

It’s silly, really. Knowing a good, good Father, but not thinking of Him. If I were honest, the way I think of God is much... much different from the God I know. You see, I know God is my father. I know He is good and loving and caring. I know He cherishes me. I know He looks to me and has joy in His heart. I know He is pleased with me. I know He will care for me. I know He holds my life in His hands. Even though I know all of these things... I do not think of these things.
 

To me, my life is too messy, and the world always seems to get in the way! And when I think of God stepping into my personal life... stepping into the wildness of this world, I think of a God who is holding my happiness hostage until I get everything in order. I think He is disappointed more often than not. Most importantly, when I think of God... I think of a God who has time to think before He has time to love. You see I believe in a God who is nothing but love. But I think of a God that I've allowed my pains, hurts and wounds create. I hold all of my cuts and bruises against Him... rather than truly dropping them at His feet. It's a wall I've built up against Him. As to protect myself from Him, and from the many bruises and cuts to come. I know of a loving Father, but I do not think of Him. 

So, how do I change my thinking? How do I look out into the world and see nothing but the proof of a loving Father? I guess I’m still working on that answer, but I think I’ll start by tearing down the walls of that tiny box! I cannot squeeze a HUGE God into that tiny space any longer! I have to allow myself to see Him in everything. In my morning alarm, my rushed breakfast, my classes and everyone I see on campus. In the flowers growing out of the sidewalk, the sunny days and the gloomy days, the countless hours spent trying to understand biology and the drives home from work. If I start to see God in everything maybe I’ll start to see the goodness in everything and maybe I’ll be able to see that my big, loving and good Father isn’t so far from this world, but rather, in it!
 

You are I AM, and I am because of You!
“I assure you that God is much better than you believe. He is content with a glance, a sigh of love.” –St. Therese of Lisieux